I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I am available for nakedness
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
