if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
