he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
