My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
