Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
