new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
