I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
