can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
