I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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