its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
