Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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