anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
