paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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