I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
