Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i want to swaddle you in tequila
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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