she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
