did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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