I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
