my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
