My room smells like vodka and shame
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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