i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
How does one acquire holy water?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
