My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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