I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
