So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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