I'm really into asian looking animals
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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