Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
is that a dick in a sweater?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
