The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
