I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
