"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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