I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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