tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
