She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize