Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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