is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
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