we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
