I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
