My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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