just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
