I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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