How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It all started with a game of naked twister.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
