I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
