Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
