Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize