You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
