trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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