You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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