OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
