Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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