I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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