yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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