so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
