True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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