I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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