I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
