Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
