Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
