why didn't you poke me back
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
