I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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