you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
