i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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